Sunday, December 2, 2012

People on linkedIn

As my company allows me to surf non-work related websites at work, I spend a lot of time lurking around on social networking sites, and my latest fancy has been the one and only .. LinkedIn

One who treats LinkedIn as facebook

Profile pic: On a jet ski at a fancy beach.
Status Message: Had a buffet lunch at so and so place, very tasty!
Promotes spam such as the "If you dont like this status, this baby will die"

I am waiting for linked-in specific spam such as, "John is a fresher without a job, linkedin has promised 1 job referral per click to poor jobless John, Help pooor jobless John by spreading this message."

One who treats LinkedIn as

We wear cool suits | We wear shiny Shoes | We’re the Blackberry Boys on LinkedIn
your father sees my profile, your mother sees my profile....

Nowadays prospective bride/ groom (depends on your taste these days, anything is possible) pour over your entire traces on the net to get an idea of what you are and how you are...
So be it....
remove all the job opening related groups : you want to look stable and well settled.
Add all the high-ranking officials so that you seems to be in the right "power circles"
Add the family business classmates who have self appointed fancy titles..."owner of Pappu Tambhuraj telephone shoppee is usually now, CEO, P&T Telecom"

Have some motivational sounding status messages "Aim for the sky, even if you are in a ditch, one day the galaxy will be in your hands" which essentially means, yeah .. no one has heard about my company or the technology i work in... but if you have patience and let me marry your daughter /son... i will get the fancy job you are dreaming of, in the next lifetime :D

The recruiter

They are the contact-whores. When you see their invitation to connect, you wonder if you have met them in school, college, on the previous company...
But they are here to relieve you from your pesky manager to a newer shinier pesky manager
from your job which pays peanuts to the job which would pay bananas
From a local company to a company which has an international footprint (ok bangladesh, sudan, nepal are also technically international locations right )

The female recruiter

Profile pic: Photos with very glamorous Bollywood heroine-like poses
Viewers of this profile also viewed.. section: More profiles with beautiful photos of women

Apart from this, all the other stuff is the same as the category above

The jobless mba

Shiny suit.. check
fancy degree.. check
fancy job.... errrr.... LinkedIn kis liyee hai!

Leadership is poured over in everything since childhood..

  • Planned the strategies for playing hide-and-seek in kindergarten
  • Looked over the recruitment of talent for playing kabaddi in grade 4

Even the plain routine activities have a tinge of leadership and planning:

  • Lead the coordination and execution of Rose day in college

The roles and responsibilities taken before the MBA and the activities taken up in the college are all "planned and chosen".. (it has to make up into a career story right)

  • Took up technical role in programming to understand the nitty-gritties of the industry 6 months (randomly taken campus placement)
  • Lead the sales team of region to understand the local market (part time job while preparing for MBA)
  • Worked with a family lead company to understand the social fabric of the industry. (Joined Friend`s  family business in dire situation)

Looking for openings in all mid- management positions: Program Management, Product Management, BA etc etc.  (will polish shoes?... YES)

The jobless techie 

Aaah one more tribe ...

Completes all the useless certifications while on-bench at company`s expense.
Puts up the certifications as part of the name so that it appears when people are searching ro them.

Tom Harry CISP CCNA MCSP +91998723588

Does all the work for the company`s project. Yes ALL the work
  • Lead the design of the product from scratch.. (Yeah, the CEO decided that the future of the company would be better in a guy with 3 months of experience)

  • Mentored the juniors in all technical aspects (including searching the software shares, applying leave, etc)

  • Collaborated with global teams (Guy in the us: blah blah blah... candidate: yes sir! )

Demonstrates past Niche area: Worked on the multi-threaded server for financial domain specializing finance targeted at the people specializing in marketing of the telecommunications in Malaysia.
(Wants to show focus and specialization)

Proposes openness for future options (Will polish shoes?  Yes sir!)

The attention seeker

Knows that his days in the current company are numbered.
Want to look out for new job without anyone knowing that he is looking out for new job.
Deletes the traces of him connecting with recruiters.
Constantly updates his profile info every now and then so that even the task of holding a meeting with 5 people is not missed in his profile.

Tries to come-up as a very well read and learned person by sharing articles from WSJ and forbes

The family businessman

  • Bachelors from Galaxy college of engineering, (which dad paid for to get a management quota seat)
  • Masters in management from UK. (Again dad paid for so that his value in his community increases for his marriage)
Has his profile pic of him with his dad on a foreign visit to some factory (you cannot make out who is the dad in the pic)

The endorsement whore

 The latest tribe on LinkedIn. Ok, if one has actually worked with a person or knows that a person is good at something, endorsement is a wonderful way of , endorsing others (what else).

But these are the people you add-up just because you find 2-3 people in common connections, have not seen each others face in decades, (and don`t want to, in the coming decades)

They endorse you on things, which you yourself know that you suck at, just so that you also might endorse them back.

Fuck you random endorser!

LinkedIn has affected the very way people connect for business and work, and we will continue to find interesting people here. (I have a few friends who work at LinkedIn and I dont want to anger them)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Desi Techie.. dissected

The desi techie ..  usually the Newton of his village, the chamakta taara of his community, and what not. Five years into this world and you start seeing patterns of people, patterns of managers (yeah managers are not people). I have the uncanny habit of interviewing people and getting deeper into them (thats what she said)
There are some intersting observations I`ve seen across all these years .. Usually most of the people fall into one or the other category..

Child prodigy
This person was introduced to computers during school-days. The time when a person is influenced the most. When others were busy with video-games, he wondered how they worked inside. He was the one who knew how to do complex things like "formatting the machine", "Cracking" popular softwares and games.
Usually all they do is google the term in simple english and then follow the steps. These guys are the one who survive phone-book changes, not because they are popular but because they are the one whom you can call when the printer gets stuck at the 11th hour of submission. They are one of the very few people to have balls to "pull out the pendrive without safely disconnecting" and not losing any data. They are the people who remain virgins till their parents find someone.

Medical reject
I wanted to become a doctor, I wanted to serve the humanity, but humanity played a dirty joke on me and last week I finally threw away my childhood "doctor-doctor" kit. Then my dad finally convinced me to take admission into Engineering. These people become sentimental whenever MBBS is mentioned to them.
They are lousy coders. They usually end up in QA teams.

For the Moolah
Mechanical/civil core engineering company: 1.6 lpa. Tinfosys 2.4 lpa. Hail Tinfosys!! Fuck all the 4 years spent in learning fluid dynamics, Design of diesel powered asswipes. Engineering was always for better salary, more dowry and aukaaat.

Comp Engg has more chicks
Many fathers give "permission" to their daughters to become engineers only when its Computer or Electronics. Electronics enginners are a interesting bunch of engineers I will deal with separately. As they say in the other branches there are males and non-males. So having some females in the campus gives a rare boner. Hence Computer Engineering. The career goal is to increase the chances of having female friends in the college and later in the companies. Period

The Electronics engineers:
Electronics and telecommunication. I have never understood till date why the hell is this branch of engineering so popular. Almost 95% of all the placements are in IT. Their proudest moment is when they do something in C++. They will come up to the computer guys and boast "we also know programming".

The coolcat from the Tier-1 college
These guys. They are from the IITs, RECs and the "government" Engg colleges. The best thing about them is that they belong to these colleges. They are eager to reject anything which a usual guy will do. If the usual crowd throngs to the Cafe coffee day, they will go to the chaai tapri and pretend to be cool. If the chai tapri is crowded, they will climb a tree and have tea.
Their trick is to use some mathematics. Even a tiny tinge of mathematics is enough to give nightmares to the average citizen of the democratic country. (The undemocratic ones have lot of other abuses to worry about)
"Oh to actually give the optimized out-put,  the right way is to use Bayesian prediction using machine learning"
That trick works for most of their lives.. till they encounter another Tier-1 person :P

The underdog from Tier-3 colleges
Basically Tier-2 is bullshit. There exists nothing like that. Tier-3 colleges are the one run by local construction tycoon or politician. The crappiest of the infrastructure. You still pay 50000. You get value of 5000. They basically know that you have no other option. Either you are a north-indian or your parent dont trust you enough to send you to a better college outside town.
During placements, they select Tinfosys over TechMN just because the former has presence in 22 countries and the latter has only 18.
They are totally impressed by the "fluent english" speaking hr personnel and their stupid videos about innovation and teamwork and how they represent the progressive Indian youth.
Usually the industry project is actually done after paying 5000 to a local computer institute. There are usually 1-2 people in a classroom who can actually code. Others mug up the code for practicals. They all want to go on-site asap. Their college hero is the one who ends up in the US/ UK in 3 months of joining the company.
They dont know "why" do they want to go onsite.

The MS from USA
Usually the extension of the previous group. A sad fact is that all the pretty girls are taken up by the NRIs. How much ever idiot the person might be, how much ever ugly he might look, he gets a awesome deal here. Unfair unfair!
Partyyyyyy. All the people who have spent their teens surfing the mardi gras websites. They think its easy to get laid there. I have seen people pumping it up at the gym just months before going there, but ending up just to give themselves a longer fap time.
Apart from this motivation some people, who have seen discovery channel all their childhood, whereas others were watching ftv and actually getting a better deal. They fantasize that all america is NASA and Microsoft Research labs. They dont think twice about the college they are getting into. Amrika it is.

The MS from Bits Pilani correspodence
Arey baap re. The moment the joining formalities are done, this course is introduced. Pay some huge amount. Dedicate all your future weekends for doing a crap course. A course which everyone know is crap. People join this course just to get the MS tag and to fall into the category above.

The galli ka hero. The family pride. The one who has successfully conquered america. There are tales in the family how the american company depended on him for their survival. How the visa officials tried to stop him from being successful. In the 90`s they were invited to their schools and colleges to give speeches, to give inspiration. In the 2000`s they were pestered by relatives and neighbours and friends to recommend their son/ relative to get into the usa.
He is the person who has an awesome laptop/cellphone which you can only dream of. He comes for a week, books a flat, chooses a bride, and vanishes for honeymoon. He can cook good food. He usually does not believe in caste system. He hates bribing. He believes men and women are equal. These qualities vanish once he stays around for around for more than a month.

The NRI turned desi Swades-wala
One more pain in the ass. They come back after a long stint. They hate every thing indian. Indian street food: unhygenic. Indian subordinates: lazy slobs. Indian actresses: unclassy. Once back to india, they try to change the system. They will get scandalized when you ask for the dvd he bought last week, "copyrights!"
They will hate it when u use torrents to download software and movies.
Then he starts with the Indian pay. Then he slowly starts getting converted back. After an year or so you cannot recognize him as an NRI.

The "product based company" techie
One more ripoff. Product based douchebag. The good thing is that they always earn more than their services based inferior counter-parts. The bad thing is that they think so.
Once in, they realize that no one in the team actually has an onsite opp. They will proudly claim "onsite is not our ambition".Secretly they are jealous of the services based douchbags who go out once a while and also manage to earn more than them.
The advantage is that they can explain their work to non-IT people easily as products are better known. They think by being in products, they will know the cutting edge bullshit. Sooner or later they realize that actually the "IDC" is basically a legacy version maintenance team or worse a end-of-life support team. Except the better biscuits in the pantry and the fancier diwali gift, the benefits are fast dwindling.

The Company worshipper
This person sticks to the company because, the founder belongs to the same caste/ community. He has intense respect for the company. Usually he will justify any negative decisions taken by the company. He is the companie`s unofficial HR counsellor.

The EMI slave
One small mistake can change your life. In jawani ka josh, many people have bought houses so big, cars so huge and a lifestyle they cannot afford. Its like a drug. Here you want to get out, but you just cannot.
The salary is an instument to pay the EMI. Your life is an instument to get the salary.

The metro slave
The one who is addicted to the city life. The one who thinks that the pubs in the city are the ultimate solace (which is somewhat true). He is so addicted to buying stuff from the malls on his credit card, that he has lost all his bargaining skills to the dogs and cannot survive the brutal experience at the neighbourhood baniya.
Pure regional language makes him sick. It has to be hinglish. Pure english is also not ok.

The QA who wants to be a dev
Yaar I was good in coding. BE project also was actually coded by me. But my fate played a dirty game on me.
This guy will desperately try to get into the Dev team. The hr and the manger constantly show a ray of hope.  He is the one who will pick up the small scripting assignements. Scripting is also like coding na.. Thats what he thinks.
Someone must tell him that as long as he earns at par with other, theres no need to change himself. QA are the one which goes onsite more than others.

The dev who wants to get into management
He is the person who thinks that he is at the top of the world when he gets into the dev team. Just to realize that the daily dev work is usually as monotonous as the ticket seller in the theatre. He is usually disillusioned by the fact that even the technical decisions are actually taken by his management. Holy shit aint it. managers dont even know what it takes to churn out code. The real power looks to be in the hands of the management.
So he sacrifices all his free time ti study the crappy MBA notes of TIME institute. IIM is all what he dreams of. Never mind he actually ends up in IIPM instead.

The manager who wants to come back to "technical":
Being a manager seemed to be the destination. But once there, the realization that the sick leaves of the subordinates are just hangover leaves, the internet research is just ripping off code form codeguru. The constant threats of switching the company for higher pays. Damn wheres all the power! The techie days seem golden. The golden memories which seem difficult to get back. Till then make sure the prettiest of the chicks atleast join the team for a while :P

The support guys..
Screw the support guys. who cares about them anyway

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Anatomy of a desi Computer

Since my childhood, I had been the "techie" for most of my friends and family members. Whenever shit happens to their prized asset and I used to be on their speed dial list. Though a techie for them, all usually i do is google for the solution (yeah in front of them) and take the credit. Too bad I never made a penny out of it. My story apart after visiting many houses / offices / wherever, I observed that most of the "desi" computers have some peculiar characteristics, such as....

The Cabinet
Yeah the cabinet. The gray/black "dabba". The location and the posture depends on the age of the box (quite like humans) The new box, it will be very clean and will have Gods photo on it. Stickers like "Knowledge is wisdom" and "Ubuntu" are stuck up all over. "Ubuntu" because no one can ever use it properly and since its linux it has to be cool. even though the ubuntu crap is formatted within a week with a pirated XP, (damn its friggin difficult to even install a new program).  The old boxes are the poor ones, dusty and neglected, often used as a leg support, and switched on by kicking the poor thing :D

The girls drive
Yeah then you have this girls disk drive. There is one music folder with all the girlie pop songs. There will always be a corresponding lyrics file (god! else how will they sing english songs :P ). Then there are some random folders ... and there is a folder which is... even if ur mouse pointer comes 50 pixels near it .. the girl will scream "NOOOOO!! Not that". Then after a quick check whether u pee`d urself, ask her for water. The girl will give a warning with that "look" ....Once the girl has left .. ofcourse the folder has to be opened ...:D
and inside the folder will be....
Pics of Atif aslam
Pics of Avril
Pics of the girl with her friends when they had a night out... and they all applied facepack together
All the friggin collection of photographs from college, school, special days...
A folder named "Movies" and also the seasons of friends, how i mated your mother ..watever
The contents vary with the age of the girl

The boys drive
The content does not vary with the age of the boy. one folder of heavy metal music (just because its uncool to not like it). One folder named "Movies" with half the collection common with the girls folder.
There will also be all the seasons of Heroes, the japanese action cartoon (sorry animated) series and all.

There is a speciality of the boys drive. You select all the files and it will be of the size 78.3 GB. Then you go and see that the drive actually consumes 698 GB. Hows that possible is upto you to guess :D

The common drive
Yeah the common drive. The sarkari drive. It  will have a folder named "All software setups" which is basically the backup of the Internet itself.
 It will have a folder named "Pics" which basically contain the pics you dont mind anyone seeing (or if they already are public)

Definitely this drive will have a folder named "Videos". This is a backup of YouTube. You will find most of the ads, funny clips, stuff basically you watch 1000 times and still will watch it again. The origin of this folder is basically the times when broadband was still in infancy and the rich kid used to download all the videos.

The "Studies" drive
The smallest drive on the computer. It will contain the  ebooks and educational videos. They are made to make your dad happy when he first bought the friggin "45000 rupees" ka computer for "bacchon ki padhai". They are not even used once. Most of the space is used for Movies and music videos which overflow from other drives.

The internet router modem
The untouchable of the lot. You try to go near it and the entire family will scream at you. NOO.
There are 100s of LEDs blinking. God knows what they actually mean.
But people only know one thing.
If it stops blinkin because of you.... you aint going home tonight ...till it blinks again

One of the most abused lot. You can find chivda, rice, dal, everything. Usually some keys are missing. esp the small enter key. The rule of thumb is: When you want to press enter, press enter. When you are sure, then bang the enter key. Type your username password..Bangggg
Poor thing gives away after sometime

The cloth
This is a piece of cloth which you dedicate to the computer. On the first day of the computer. To make mom happy. Later on it sits in its place just like your dads old scooter, waiting to be used. Lo and Behold, your friend comes up to you place suddenly. Within 3 seconds the cloth is taken and the monitor is cleaned up, then the keyboard, and then .. no the modem is not touched. The timeout is 3 seconds. Just till the friend is convinced that you are a clean person.

Antique equipment
Yeaaah the equipment which is replaced. The cd rom drive which is replaced by a DVD writer. The graphics card replaced by a new one under peer pressure (you  have ATI 7500 and not NVidia 5xDouche ? damn you suck )
 The equipment is all working. So why throw it. It is kept till the new version of the OS refuses to use it and goes on a strike.Then it is given away to a loser-er friend having the oldish pc. Its still given with pride "Jab liyaa thaa 6790 ka thaa". Never mind its given away for free.

The leg stand
Yeah there has to be a leg stand. Without it the computer is not complete. Never mind if there is no decent piece of furniture, the cabinet, the spare chair, the desk itself makes an excellent leg support.

The own laptop
This is the laptop which is again bought out of peer pressure. Later you realize that the battery never lasts for even finishing a movie. And much later you realize that laptops cannot be upgraded that easily.
The laptop being the new "sautan" gets more attention. Sometimes as much as a dedicated table for it, till you realize that all you have now is the same desktop which sucks donkey balls.
yes sir, donkey balls

The company laptop
Yeah this is the showoff laptop. You tell your parents how important you are in the team that they gave you a new laptop. You finally let your young nephew play games on it. sooner or later he quits for his usual ps3
The owned laptop is a "sautan" and this one is the whore
After the work its usually thrown somewhere. Who cares!

The freakin CD collection
Yeah the CD collection. Indians consider the CD and DVDs to be holy and precious. From the  CHIP cds from the 90`s to the blue ray disk, every single disk is well preserved. Just in case we need the Yahoo messenger 2.2 and also Windows 98 and also maybe Wordstar

The super friggin "Original CD collection"
Yeah these are the CDs for which one has to pay money... the original XP CD, the original VSNL internet CD, the original "Kaho na pyaar hai" vcd
The CDs and floppies that come with new hardware and the seller warns the user "keep it safely". He did not mean "till eternity"
They are kept in a separate soft CD case. And usually not all the family members know of its existence

All said and done, the desi PC is the new king of the house. It has captured the place of the erstwhile TV. The pride of the family, it has some time to bask in glory......

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Save tigers campaign a.k.a Get rid of Shrutis dog campaign

Recently some company known as Aircel came up with a campaign "Save Tigers". It is so lame. Aircel . That name itself is so lame. It looks like Airtels duplicate brand. Have you ever been to roadside shops where you see brands like Nokai, Samsing and Soni? It looks frm those breeds. And above that that save tigers campaign.The tiger shown in the ad is also duplicate. It roars and all comes out is a "meow".. Meow!! did the dubbing people go on strike? It looked as they dyed a domestic cat and kaam chalaoed.
The save tigers campaign is so lame: It actually creates awareness thats its so precious now. So as a typical human being, a typical human being would try to lay hands on it. But as a typical human being would crap his pants hearing the roar of a tiger... so he would try to buy one, hoping that its rate would increase. And its food can be easily taken care of. There are 1411 tigers left all over india, but there are more than 1411 stray dogs in my area itself. One dog per day and the tiger would be sooo happy.
The next part of my proposal:
Shrutis dog.
Yes shruti has a dog, which is a miniature pom.She wants to sell it. And she claims that its just 2 weeks old. I dont belive her at all. Miniature pom wil lbe small all his life. So mebbe its 2 years old and shruti got bored of it and before going for MBA, she wants to get rid of it. I should be in FBI.

miniature pom: yeah its such a loser thing. First of all Poms are irritating.. and now this mini pom. His name is Scooby. First of all his name should have been scrappy (cos thats the small one). But yeah the song fits him na...Scooby dooby doo where are u .... cos its so small u cannot find it.
A miniature pom is not even so small that it can be used as a chihuahua accessory. It may fit in the bhaaji bag. But that bastard might eat off the bhaji too.
A mini pom might not even guarantee you safety. You buy dogs for safety (if not as an accessory). Its supposed to hand over its ass to the robber before he gets to your. But a mini pom, the robber might not even see it and step over it and kill it in an instant... then its ur ass.
An untrained mini pom: The dog is supposed to be 2 weeks old. so its not potty trained. so it will crap all over your house. But most worrying part is its poop size.
My defense: imagine you get a chick home and are just going to make out. After many many days.
Chick: "janeman bahut dino se mujhe tadpaaya hai"
You: "yeah baby lets..."
Background sound: Turrrrrr
Actually that sound was actually made by a moving chair. But as your mini pom crapped all over the place, and its mini poop, you cannot even see it without a microscope to clean it. It just smells like crap.
Chick: "Chee! Paad mari ke! koi aur time nahi milaa thaaa! jao mera mood kharaab ho gaya hai!!"
See!! your personal life can be as devastating as that!!
Now as I generated enough hatred against miniature poms,

My actual proposal to save tigers:
Main strategy: Instead of giving more focus to the tigers, the concept is to move the attention from tigers. Or make tigers uncoool.
Strategy1: Spread rumours
Spread rumors that eating mini pom meat will enhance your virility. And as even women have lots of buying power today...spread that Kareena got her size zero by eating Mini pom salaami sandwiches. You can spread the word by planting in agents in bars and pubs.
Agent: You know after this beer i am gonna bang 2 women. But thats cos i need to go to office tomo other wise....
Aam janta: wat wat wat!! most of us are gonna go home.. go to desibaba and wank off and sleep. How come you are so lucky! And ur face is soo baaad and u are so cheao that u are drinking fosters cos its 1+1 free!
Agent: hehe yeah... thats cos of the Mini pom-Mega effect powder I take ;)

Strategy 2: Make tiger hunting look gay
Yeah have you ever observed why only men go for hunting while the women of the house stay in home making cookies? yeah. We will photoshop a group of hunters having a gay orgy after tiger hunting and will float it through the time tested MMS channel. It will surely reach the corporate boardroom to every kid in school. After that who wants to hunt anyway?

Strategy 3:Make more bizzare species
Mini pom itself is soo bizzare. If mini pom can do so much of magic. How about Micro pom and.... Nano Pom!!
The Tigers of the world .. the messiah has arrived!!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

The freeloaders guide to Galaxy

Me: Abbey! Apple ka naya iPhone aaya hai sirf  25000!
Rohit: Abbey chup! 25 Hazaar ke liye kidney bechnaa padega!

Me: Sunn! Honda civic ka naya model aaya hai sirf 10 lakh!
Rohit: Bupu ko bolna padegaa jameen bechde! Uss paise se civic lenge :D

Well most of the software engineers live like this only. Inspite of having fat salaries, during the last days of the month, we end up digging up our pockets for loose change. Well  I am in the same boat which has the same hole :P

Emergency fund
Well for those people who thought emergency meant something serious like hospitalization or folks in trouble, get a life .. we are techies..we dont fall ill we are immortal so no such issues with us unlike u losers :P
Well emergency is when a hot chick is coming along to the office trip and though you hate the venue/ people/both you become really excited for going there...
mebbe you could get a chance to talk to her
mebbe u can save her life
mebbe she is unsatisfied and seeks out for.... the possibilities are unlimited ... atleast thats what we think.
But but  but.... you realize that you dont have the cash and the bastard a.k.a. boss has booked a super expensive 5 thousand star hotel where even the waiters are better dressed than you:P
Tip: Have a reserve account for yourself for such emergencies, have an estimate and keep that amount safely.
e.g. our office guys usually book .5 star hotels (where the waiter cum manager cum receptionist cum owner is as badly dressed as u ) so 5k as an emergency fund is enough for me. I just checked my emergency account and it had 74 rupees in it (hey recession time pe joshi wadewale mein hi escapades chal jayegaa)

SIP: Well its not the Systematic investment plan! Its a decent version of the word SUCK. Well keep buying goodies for yourself, and use it in case someone asks for money.
Me: Hey Rohit give me my 4000 rupees back!
Rohit: Hey you needed a new monitor na .. come home and take it :) (that was a sweet innocent smiley) anyway a new monitor will be 7500 and i am not even using mine
Me: (thinking are waah! kaam ho gaya in profit... so i hop off to his place.. only to see that its an old 15 inch CRT monitor with stains on the glass which i was sure was from some specific pervert actions
Rohit: Hey take it .. its all yours now :) (thats a cunning smiley which says kaisa chootiya banaaya)
Tip: Well make sure that the things u buy look expensive (mebbe like a pearl necklace from tulshibaug which you can claim to be the nizam`s third wifes second daughters favourite possesion.)
Try to finalize the deal with the victim thinking its a killer deal without showing the actual thing
Rohit : arey mera 200 GB ka hard disk bhi leke jaa
Me: (too greedy ...immediately snatch it and realizing later that it does not work properly)

Udhaari : Well we all know it we all do it. We working class techies depend on udhari for half of our expenses till marrriage ..(and full expenses after marriage)
Tip: Flexi emi, personal loan, take whatever loan ..try to balance it with the amount taken frm friends and family. Cos those people might need back the money soon and we may have no intention of returning the money sooon.

Reverse udhari:  Well this method takes the cake. Whenever you have money give it on udhaari. When you need money.. vasooolofy the money. The catch is you should be good in vasooling money else you might end up being f`ed  in the a.
Me: Mera 4000 ruppees de wapas
Rohit: Abbey hard disk aur monitor diyaa naa
Me: Chup saale mujhe paison ki zaruurat hai.. tera credit card de de
Then i Happily used the card for a month blew up much more amount than he had taken..did not return the difference. Now the card is confiscated by his gf.

decency ka faayda:Aadmi kitna bhi haraami ho.. usually he acts decent in front of his girl. Thats the basic instinct men have that is to be exploited. From professors checking journals with leniency when there is a girl around to...
Those were the days when i did not have cash left. The credit card was lying with rohits girl friend. Ab kyaa
 pantry ke coffe biscuits se pet bharo. in other words ... goo khao
Then one fine day i was hanging around with a couple, and that couple was making plans for a dinner at a nice place. They were decent enough to invite me . I was indecent enough to tag along. feast! feast! starter soup main course desert... the four course meal made an intercourse with the bill
And the 'cheque' came ... mebbe they call it cheque because they know that no one will have the cash to pay their bill .. And the cheque came... I offered to pay.. main main... The guy ... fullto macho macho offered to pay for my machi .. theeke i said :) (the same smiley which means goo khao ab)
Tip: The guy was Rohit.

Treat: Well everybody has their birthday once a year... so just keep the date in mind.. that is the day when you wont be denied a party. Someone or the other gets a promotion(partyy!!)... if the person is such a loser that he does not get a promotion...he will soon get a new job (partyyy!!) if he is such a retard that he does not get a new job... soon he will get admission to an MBA college (party!!)
... after MBA.. if he gets a job (partyyy)... u got my point right ;)

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Last day at Persistent

Well this day was bound to happen since I resigned two months back. But I never felt anything different about it. Till now. Well as I enter my office... suddenly it becomes different. I realize that all the things I am doing.. I am doing for the last time. From flashing my id in front of the guard to going out of the exit.
The general feeling is that usually we neglect so many small things during our usual course of life. The pantry where we spend time gossiping, the favourite spots we have for doing stuff, the discussion rooms. I started noticing it on the last day :P
Even logging into my system has a feel to it. because it was my machine. Last day  I realized I had so many friends around and so may be many more of I had looked around earlier. One particular thing I observed was that as I was passing  by various places/ things... the memories attached to those places started flashing across my mind. The enthu with which we pumped iron in the gym, the way the entire team used to storm the loo, those coffee machine pranks (swapping tea powder with coffee),

Pantry: This was the place where most of the idle time used to be spent. I have fond memories having tasty banana chips before the recession fucked us all and they started keeping Marie. More than the pantry its the gala time we had. We used to have tea every 2 hours. Like a wedding baaraat the entire team used to go together. Our laughter used to be so loud that people used to recognize that its us even if they were sitting far away.

Cafeteria: Thats the favourite place for most of the employees. No its not for the food. Its for seeing faces. Not always of chicks. After spending whole day seeing the same faces of the people in your team, its a relief to see some different faces. Yeah and chicks. Such was the reputation of our lecherous team that we used to joke that no girl would dare to sit in the 15 mts radius from us. This is the place where most of the gossips start.
Who looks frustrated (I guess most of us are)

Who is going out with whom?
Who is chaatoing whose ass?
And yes the food. Well the less said is better. From the jokes that the wierd tasting curd is actually made of dog milk (eww i knw) to sudhir taking truckloads of paneer. We were such losers that typically we used to not take atleast one item from the table. In case some new hot chick turned up, some one used to run to the table to stealthily read her name from her Id card.
I have seen so many girls take only one roti for lunch. one roti!! I seriously suspect that those girls must be bringing dabba to office (having 500 rotis) and they finish it up slealthily in their cubicles before they come up to have their 1 roti lunch. :P
Gym: I like this part. There was a phase when the entire team was fired up for doing gym. There is a hunk named Avinash who taught us all the nitty gritties of gymming. Such was the aura that we used to go to office for gym rather than work. We used to be such health freaks that we used to have proper diet all the time. Tea time was replaced by Protein shake time, snacks time was now sprouts time. The best thing was anda party. We used to get 10-15 eggs each and eat them in the afternoon. I had never boiled eggs.
Me: How to boil eggs?
Rohit: Arey nothing re... keep them in a vessel, cover it and let it boil for 20 mins.
Me: Oh cool ... But i need to keep a timer
Rohit: No re, u go and have bath and come back.
I followed the instructions and got the eggs to office. Awesome! Now when the anda party started, I took out one egg and cracked it on my desk. Shittt,.... It was not completely boiled and I messed my entire desk. Seems that I dont take 20 mins for a bath, though I wonder what Rohit does for such a long time in bathroom ;)
I reaally really miss gymming like that :(
Afternoon naps: This was the specialty of our team. After lunch atleast one of us used to go to the comfy couch and take a nice nap. No it was not the power nap which is recommended by management gurus. Its the big fucking lazy bum nap which used to last for 2 hours! Once coincidently the entire development team was napping and the Vice president came and saw us.  I opened my eyes , saw him and closed them again. The damage had been done. No use of damage control. Fuck it :P Later the other team members were shocked to knw that I did not care to wake them up.
Birthday celebrations: Yes we still cut cake and all on birthdays. Most of the time we dont even know who is the birthday bastard. It is a nice place for people to meetup. There are soo many people around nearby but we never meet them. We used to have a great time cracking jokes about each other and pulling each other`s leg for the greediness with which they pounce on the cake.
Once I was joking about the birthday boy.. as I did not know who this guy was.
Me: His name is so wierd. Sambhaji. What if someone asks you what did u have for lunch.. the answer would be "Some bhaji"
Others around: Rolling in laughter. One person not so laughing.
Later on he cut the cake. :D
Knowledge Transfer: Well these sessions are held so that the new person does not feel fucked when he has to clean up the shit. (fix the bugs). But those sessions were used to uncover mini-scams which no one else knew till now. Some illegal copyright violated code, some known corner cases which crashes the system, some super inefficient methods used. These were the things I never told anyone but thought that it would be better if they know now.
Cleaning up the desk: The desk will unearth a loadful of memories. Bills of team parties, photos, pens of team members, chocolates (I gave it away to Rohit cos I was not sure of the expiry date). But there were some things in it which i did not expect. There were two apples almost about to rot. There was one white lungi!! lungi in my desk! No idea how it ended up in my drawer.
Court Martial: Yeah this part was a bit touchy. During my last days .. I was not feeling that bad.. that was because all of my team mates, friends from office and my belongings were still there with me. At six o`clock I had to surrender my access card and my pc. I was all chilled about it till that guy said, "As soon as you surrender the access card you are supposed to leave the organization!". Crap!! I had loads of things to do.
I wanted to meet my team  mates as teammates for the last time. Wanted to meet my Manager as a manager for the last time. Usually my floor (Not mine anymore) is unguarded and I thought I will tailgate to my cubicle. But as luck would have it that day it was being guarded. That guard did not allow me to go inside! Within 10 minutes I could not even enter!! But ..Fuck fuckety fuck ..I dont give a fuck to the rules... The moment that guard went away, I tailgated inside and met all my people for the last time. Heehawww
Outside locations: One funny thing I observed is that on they way you will find many places which will remind you of moments spent. The pan shop, the chai waala, the ice cream waala, the beer waala :D
The feeling is awesome because u are so much in that mood.
The farewell dinner: Though not an official one, It was by my team and it was an awesome one. That time everyone  started bitching about the team, the manager, the company, the policies, the system and everything else. Such was the atmosphere that even the most decent guy in our team used swear words for the first time. Now thats an achievement. After that we went to Rohits house to have our own barbeque. It was so awesome because it was awesome.
Rs 50 for a big fat earthen pot
Rs 60 For charcoal (we bought 4 kgs but used only 2)
Rs 20 -30 for the kebab rods... (we used cycle spokes.. though we could do better)
Some chicken pieces, some paneer pieces, Ready made tandoori chicken masaala
And we had awesome fun at Rohit`s balcony. Its one of the most well arranged party decided on the fly.

Now while writing this article, I am sitting at home all the day, chilling out, relaxing and badly missing my team :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

My personal list of things to do before you die

Hmm... So is this post gonna be wannabe`ish ? Am I trying to show that I am so cool?

The answer is Yes.
haha kidding you bastards. Well I will be sharing with you things which I did since my childhood which I repented doing at that time but now when I look back I feeel awesome...
Rather than asking you to do the same, I would like you to tell me similar kinda stuff in ur life.

Pee in the basin
Yeah right. Its awesome. Though it makes more sense for guys than girls. I bet once you do that you will never want to pee in the commode anymore. The height is soo appropriate that you wont need your hands ...
Note: Please control yourself to pee only. I cannot imagine someone doing number two there.. HAHAHA

Shop lift
Hmm this is the art where you go to buy object A (Or just inquire about its price) and while the shopkeeper is busy showing Object A , you slip some Object B in your pocket. The thrill is awesome.
Note: Malls are too boring and unchallenging. Try some grocery store /general store where there are many people on one counter.

Steal a vehicle.... from your dad
When I was in school I was not allowed to touch our two wheeler. I teamed up with my friend, got it repaired when dad was at office, and drove it all round the town till we ran out of fuel. I had to break my piggy bank for a litre of petrol. That was the first time I realized petrol was expensive.

Fake a bill
Well this not something really awesome. But it will give you a high the first time you do it. The best was when me and my friend over estimated a budget and split with the money so that we could run off somewhere awesome with our gf/bf.
For that I had to actually make fake receipts at home and come up with shady names such as 'Sunshine Dry Cleaners' and 'Mahalaxmi medicals' (The names are so generic that you will believe that these shops exist but you will never actually find the shop)

Steal 3d goggles
For the shop lifters, the next stage is to manage to steal the priceless 3d goggles from a theatre. There are so many guards at the exit door that its nearly impossible to smuggle it out. Me and my friend both managed to smuggle it out :D

Fake your Id proof
Is doing shady things a habit for you? Do you feel that your reputation will be down the drain when u are busted?
Well the best answer is to have a id which says that you are someone else. I had a fake college Id which was ever confiscation-ready (Rs 50 for a duplicate id was a big sum )
I had a friend who had a bundle of fake driving licences which he would submit instead of paying the fine:P The poor policeman used to think the chap is going to come back with money to take his card back :P

Have spikes
Well Dil chahta hai was awesomest movie of those days. Spikes like Aamir khan was the in thing to do. The problem: I dont look like him. The bigger problem: I look worse than my normal self when with spikes. I remember when I had come to college with newly done spikes, two girls were so uncontrollably laughing that they ran away to some other place .. :(

Fail in exam hopelessly
Those were the days when failing in exams was awesome. Single digit was super awwesome. Only later I realized that inorder to save myself frm losing a year, I had to get some super duper marks. Those days are still fresh in my mind. I had literally stopped studying for the next year (HSC) cos I was so sure of flunking :P

Caught while copying in exams
Well I was in a division meant for scholars. People whose names appear in merit list. People who shine. People who make their college proud. People who make their country proud. And there are some exceptions like me. I was caught with a bundle of papers. I was asked to go to the principals office. Call your parents next week. yes maam!! the next week still has not come.

Caught while helping others in exams
Girl: I want to see some of your stuff.
No its not something naughty. The girl was sitting behind me and wanted to copy some stuff enough to pass. Boobs are anyone`s weakness and I agreed to show some stuff not realizing that the supervisor was watching all this. Within a moment he came to me, blasted me and took my paper. 5 Marks gone.. dhatt and I never saw the chick in college (Actually I had never seen her before which explains her condition in exams :P )

Rip off the canteen wala
Hmm... A plate of unlimited meal costed 25 . The costliest thing in our canteen. It was available only during lunchtime. It had a red colored token.
one cup tea costed 5. It was available only during breakfast. It had a red token.
So I used to buy a tea coupon and use it for lunch. And more than that it used to fill the stomachs of 3-4 people as it was unlimited. The canteen wala caught us when the plate was being circulated among frnds. Damn it was soo embarassing. But thats why it makes it in this article

Run a scam
Well I dont want to recommend a financial scam, but you can take your friends for a ride for a long time. We used to play badminton in school. I came up with a trick of serving that made it impossible for the other person to handle. Such deadly was my trick that the moment it was my turn, everone knew the games over. Alas few of my friends joined some badminton coaching where they was told that this trick of mine was totally illegal. I hate badminton since then :P

Try to pick up a chick
Well this is one thing most of friends did but dont admit doing it. Me and my friend used to be ready with cheesy pick up lines and excuses.
It never worked.
When we were in office .. we used to ping chicks on out internal office messenger..
Its 1 am in the night and i am still bloggin and not doing something with someone.
It never worked. lol

Have a clean friend from the opposite sex with whom you can share anything ...anything
Here the person in question cannot be your gf/bf (some people have different tastes these days)
The reason being, the moment you reveal it all to ur bf/gf , you wont have a bf/gf anymore :P
Well they are the people with whom you share all your dirty secrets. Its fun because it fun to share the dirty secrets which no one in the world except a select few people know. It will make you feel good that someone trusts you so much.

Be produced in a court
Whatever the crime is, its awesome to be in a court. And I had to appear in a court as a juvenile.
Its awesome when the case is titled
"State of Maharashtra Vs Kartik Sura"

Have a big team secret.
Have you ever had a team party on a particular day only because the person you hate is not there? Have you ever stolen others shopping coupons to buy underwear? Do it.

Be at two places at the same time.
So so what do I mean here? You tell at home that you are going somewhere. Whenever you are phone you pretend to be somewhere there. You patao your friend who swears that you are actually with him at 'that' place. Everything is set, now actually where you are, with whom, doing what is .. all upto your imagination.

Buy a condom
Yeah losers like me just buy it. Never get to use it. (No its not a problem with my thing.. its being unlucky). whatever it is. Try buying a condom esp if its your first time. Worse try buying one where the shopkeeper is your fathers age.
The look that he will give is enough to send you in a super guilty mode ... but later on you will laugh at it

There are thousands of things happening around me , with me, with people around me which make me say ....awesome ! Well I realize that I have not done any justice to the title of my article. But I case you made it to this point of article, I am satisfied.